A DECADE OF LIFE DECISIONS

1.06.2021


It's 1:30AM as I'm writing this and my head is practically in a different dimension while listening to my husband's snore blending with the classical playlist I have right now on Spotify as I reflect about my 2020 and a decade of life events. 


10 years ago, I was 18. Yup, that age where you can officially drink. But being brought up in a Filipino household, where your parents expect you to be clean, I hid it from them (but of course, I failed). Back then, it was nerve-racking to kids my age to be honest with our parents about our whereabouts. It was that phase in my life where I questioned my life and my identity; I was a teenager who thought that she already knew everything when in fact, I was only discovering myself. I was never an open-book to my family because I was too scared of failing them, probably one of the reasons why I love to write.  


I got my first heartbreak with my ex-boyfriend in the latter of 2009. I thought I was moving on by trying to cover my vulnerable self by dating a bunch of boys after that. In our toxic culture, if you date a lot, you're definitely a flirt or what the chismosang kapitbahay would say: MALANDI. No one would really understand and bother to ask you why, and just assume that you're "collecting". Ano yun, Funko Pop? Probably for some, dating is like a game. As for me, a hopeless romantic, and I think I would speak on behalf of people who used to date a lot, it's our way of handling our loneliness and finding someone who sees your worth. Malalim, but it's true. 


Along with the heartbreaks, there were endless dramas and endless arguments. Honestly, I was self-conceited everytime I came across conflict. I am guilty of taking pleasure for every debate I won, and mind you, I don't know what giving up means. So yes, I always make sure I won. I have the sharpest tongue, you can confirm that from people who know me well. But thinking about it now, I cringe. Like right now, I'm biting my lower lip and my face is in disgust just thinking that I bickered that way years back. Yes, I still have the sharpest tongue but I have self-control now. So proud of you, Patrisha. 


Searching for the right job is also part of self-discovery. I have a bunch of jobs that doesn't align with each other. At first, I wanted to be a writer with a high starting salary. Walang basagan, gusto ko mataas agad. But my first job as a writer paid me below minimum, so I accepted a corporate job as a Sales person; a year later, I became a Customer Service Representative; then back to writing; and recently, I just resigned from my position as a Marketing Officer. I was pretty much revolving in the corporate setting over the past 10 years, but it was this year that I decided to quit and focus on things that would make me happy. It was just a matter of time since I realized that I was losing myself in the process and it was making me anxious. 


Over the decade, I have gained and lost a lot of people in my life. Many of whom have created impact that they will never know, and some who just happened to passed by. Boyfriends turned to exes, close friends turned to just acquaintance, a baby turned to an angel. Sometimes you will find yourself making an unexpected turn even if things are going perfect and it's a sad reality that not everyone will stay in you life even if you want them to. But despite that, there are also people who chose to stay, and those are significant people. You guys are awesome. Thanks! 


The decisions I made over the years definitely made an impact to where I am now. If I can be truly honest, I am content with the life I have but there are nights where I think of moments that I should have done differently. Sometimes I question who I am and what if I acted differently, would the people I lost stayed? Would life be different for me? I have seen many of my former colleagues being promoted and I couldn't help but wonder, what if I haven't resigned, would I be happy with the promotion? But thinking about it now, I'm happy that I braved through making risky decisions. If you look into a deeper picture, decisions are a part of life, no matter how bad they are. 


Whenever I feel like writing on my journal, it's either I listen to violin classics or a random podcast. I came across The Mindset Mentor and his contents are really good. There was this one podcast, Stop Sh****ing on Yourself, where I thought it was "Shitting" but it's actually "should-ing". He talked about the questions, doubts, hesitations about ourselves and telling us that we should stop thinking about the "should" in life. It hit me hard. For the longest time, I have been thinking about these moments where I thought I should have made a different decision; those "should have been" decisions that I thought would make my life better. Yet I came to my senses that you can't change what you've done and all you can do is wake up and write another chapter. 


As we start another year, I hope that we can all manifest the positive energy so that every goals can be an achievement and every dream brings us hope. Regardless how insane the world is right now, we have to learn to stay positive and look at the brighter things in life. Learn to take risks and everything will fall into place eventually. Stop underestimating your life and live it the way you want it to.


So how is this manifestation thing going on so far for me? SLOW BUT GREAT. Let me share with you how is it going so far: 


1. I WAS ABLE TO LAUNCH MY ONLINE BUSINESS - MARVELED MONKEY. This has been parked for 2 years now and I just had the courage to do something about it. If you have been following my blog, you know that it is my blog's name for the longest time, and it grew to so much more. In case you're curious why it's Marveled Monkey, it's because I'm a monkey that will always be curious about the world and its beauty. 


Since you're here, please follow @marveledmonkey on FB and IG!


2. I CHOPPED MY HAIR SHORT. I was always a short-haired gal, but because there was supposed to be a church wedding last May and was postponed because of Mareng Covid, most people wanted to see me with long hair for the wedding because that's usually the expectation for a bride-to-be. And even though we already had our civil wedding, the church wedding is still in place, and people are still expecting me to have that long hair for the wedding. And I say, "Fuck it. I am more confident with short hair; therefore, I will still be a beautiful bride with short hair." Bye.




3. I GOT MY EARS PIERCED... 3 TIMES!! I have been contemplating for the longest since I-don't-know-when about getting my ears pierced. I even bought clip-ons just to see if it will suit me. I was always scared to do this because, aside from the fact that it will hurt, the toxic Filipino culture that if you have either a piercing or tattoo, you're automatically tagged as an "adik". But yea, I listened to my guts and just went for it! It does hurt, though. 


 


4. I'M OFFICIALLY DONE WITH THE CORPORATE WORLD. After a day I published my previous blog, I passed my resignation letter. For the longest time, I thought that having a corporate job with all the suit and ties will make me the happiest, but my mental state started to decline. "Why did you quit? You're missing out the benefits!" Another toxic thinking that I avoided. A piece of advice to those who has this way of thinking, why not think about what will make you happy? Yes, everyone wants a high-paying job with all the benefits and all. But at the end of the day, does it make you happy? 



5. LASTLY, YOU CAN OFFICIALLY CALL ME A WRITER. Writing is what makes me happy. The thing about writing as a job is that you unintentionally learn new things because you need to read a lot before anything else. I'm not the smartest, but reading makes me feel like one. My original intention after resigning was to take a rest for a bit, watch a lot of movies and read a lot books, but I think I might have pulled the right energy somewhere and opportunity knocked when the least I expected it.


My dream office came true!


Now that I'm about to end this entry, I satisfy myself with what I have become after this decade. I still have a lot of things that I want to accomplish. For starters, I want to get rid of my lazy ass because I am the biggest procrastinator I know. I'll take it as my personal challenge but for now, let me celebrate my little wins.


As a conclusion, don't be afraid to make decisions for yourself. At 28, I may not been my best self, I have made mistakes, I may have been an abominable human being for some, I have told lies, but this life. You need to learn how to shrug it and delete all negative energies from now on. Continue making choices, may it be good or bad, go for it. Life doesn't end with mistakes; hence, life is beautiful with mistakes because you can always learn from them. When things get rough, take a deep breathe and walk forward because there is no turning back in life. May it be your parents, your chismosang kapitbahay, or friends, stop thinking about what others think of you; don't make decisions based from their judgments. 


As Moon Sang-Tae said in It's Okay Not To Be Okay, "Moon Sang Tae belongs to Moon Sang Tae." We can't stop this Filipino toxic culture but always remember that YOU belongs to YOU.


Happy New Year! 



4 comments

  1. I have the sharpest tongue, you can confirm that from people who know me well.

    - troo

    ReplyDelete
  2. Love you, and always proud of you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. You're the best writer I know. Just continue what you do best and I'll always support you. All the best and goodluck! N

    ReplyDelete

Instagram

© MARVELED MONKEY. Design by FCD.