PERSONAL: THE ART OF SELF-DOUBT

9.20.2020


The whole world is under chaos, but we're all trying our best to survive. I shared this on my Instagram, but for the sake of my long overdue blog, I'll tell this story again. I usually use the word "stressed" when I feel like one. It's just an expression that I usually say whenever I feel like everything is too much. However, and I can't believe it as well, I was diagnosed as a stressed person last June.


Despite the fact that I try to wear the most convincing mask that says "I'm okay", I'm actually not. And I think I speak for most of us that this is seriously a rough time for survival. This might be an over reaction (because that's how writing works), but this pandemic has become a really big eye-opener for everyone.


I came across Bill Gates' blog where he talked about the things he was thankful for and the things he still wants to achieve. I asked myself the same thing, what am I really thankful for? And am I doing the things I really want to achieve? 


I am definitely grateful for a lot of things. My family and friends are healthy, my dogs are still alive and well, I married my husband (pandemic what?), I have time to exercise, got to learn a lot of new dishes, I was able to read my long overdue book, and I still have a corporate job. I mean it's not as big as Bill Gates' list, but you know what I mean. 


However, I got stuck when I asked myself if I'm doing the things I want to achieve. To be totally honest, I'm not. Right now, I'm working to survive just like every one else. But this pandemic made me realize that I need to get out of my comfort zone. That's why started writing again. It may be long overdue, but hey, I got to start somewhere. 


If you personally know me, I'm an introvert with a lot of colorful junk inside her head; I work better when I'm alone and quiet. I have been working in the corporate world since I finished college because I settle with what's there to easily pay bills and necessities, plus the fact that I still don't know what I really want to do with my life. But the truth is, the corporate doesn't suit me at all. 


I think I already know that before but it's just now that everything is starting to sink in that I don't have all the time in the world waking up every morning and do reports and presentations for something I'm not passionate about. Reason behind is I'm afraid of stepping out of the world which is already filled with great minds. How and where am I going to fit in? 


I've been with many companies, each with different nature of business - publishing, IT solutions, BPO, national government, and now, real estate industry. I love the experience with every job. I was able to make up horoscopes under the name of Madam Rosita, I learned more about technology when I handled Dell, I was able to gave assistance to Sprint customers in the States, did what I love (creating video content and writing) for the communication arm of the country, and now, I'm learning about the real estate industry which I didn't know I'll be interested in. But at the end of the day, I always end up weighing passion over what is known to be the "standard" way of living.


"You just said that you were already doing what you love. Why quit?" Good question. It was such an experience working with PCOO, and I will carry it the rest of my life, but how can you work in an environment where you feel uncomfortable and harassed? And believe me when I say that I'm not the only woman who felt that way. Okay, going back. 


Negative as it sounds, but the idea of having a steady income has been the reason why I get corporate jobs. Just now that I wrote all the things I did and currently doing, I realize that I'm like a chameleon - I easily adapt to my work environment. Recently, my anxiety got the best of me and I found myself crying in front of the cabinet just getting my pajamas. Then I started laughing because that's me, I laugh at serious situations. I mean, this pandemic is making more anxious than ever but I also realized big things during this period of time. 


Self-doubt - It's the main reason why I'm afraid and procrastinate to do the things I love. When did it start? I don't know. Probably when I saw a lot of people I know being successful on the run. I was comparing myself to what others are currently doing. "Oh, this one's making a lot of money. Oh, this one is already famous. Oh, this one already opened up their business. Oh, this one is becoming good in editing. Oh, this one is good writer. I don't think I would make it, I'll just stay here in my safe zone." This mentality of comparison is the most unhealthy trait a person could have, making us doubting ourselves more and just settle.


I decided to open up with my bestfriend days ago, and we had the most adult-changing conversation:




And it was never the same. I'm already 28, filled with self-doubt, master of procrastination, and scared to dip my toes in pool of possibilities. I'm okay leaving the earth at 80 (at 90 if I'm lucky). But what the hell am I doing with life?


I stopped for a moment and remembered a book by Emilie Wapnick - How To Be Everything: A Guide For Those Who (Still) Don't Know What To Be When They Grow Up. Contrary to its title, the book doesn't want you to be everything at large, hence, you are already everything, a multipotentialite. The term multipotentialite is amusing as it already sounds, but if you haven't came across this word: a multipotentialite is someone with many interests and creative pursuits. Yup, that's definitely me. I love writing, editing, photography, video creation, cooking, travelling, and many more. And I decided to start doing things I'm passionate about. I don't want to leave the earth knowing I only worked with suits and ties, I will work for a better self. I seriously don't know where to start, but I'm starting now. Slowly, never sure, but slowly. 


I thought I was almost out of drive, but here is me writing about how I doubt myself but I'm weirdly happy that I'm writing again even if it's a sad topic. If you're going to talk to me about this, you might not get the most inspiring shit, because I'm not the most expressive person in the planet. That's why I write. But if you're just like me, who still doesn't know what to do with life, let me tell you this: take it slow all you want, but life is short. Doubt yourself, but never quit. Survive, but don't settle and regret. Let go of the negativity, but never let your passion go.


The best people in my life say that I'm strong, brave, and too honest. I'm going to doubt myself again by saying, "I beg to differ."  Because I don't believe that I am. I have a similar post from last year and you'll notice how I struggle. But these people are the reason why I am what I am. They inspire me to move forward and be better. Also, I'm inspired by the baddest bitch alive - Bretman Rock. She was bullied and dragged down, but she's up there having all the things she deserve because she lives her life. And she's a Leo.


Ending this with a (hopefully) positive note: Live your life the way you want it to be, and you'll get the better version of yourself. Lastly, I'm thankful for this pandemic for nudging me to start life.   


PS: Is this a resignation letter? Maybe. Hehe.




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