In 15 months, I will be changing my last name. I also have 15 months to reflect on how I got to this path that I am in now. As I am writing this, I am currently stuck in traffic and holding my urge to pee. So I think this is the perfect time that I realize that it was a nasty piece of art that got me here - a break-up.

I have always wanted to write about my break-up because, let's face it, break-ups are really an interesting topic. No matter how petty it is, like if the relationship only lasted for a month, you still enjoy talking about the break-up. And I promised my friends that I will be writing about it someday because they already blogged about theirs.

Break na kayo?!
Kailan pa?!
Sino nakipag-break?!

These questions are always hard to answer; you can be vague but you don't expect the conversation to end from there. There will always be questions that will dig up the hole that you were trying to cover since the first day it happened.

For me, I had two break-ups that I consider major: The first one and the last one. Why two? Because both of them have common denominators. They are both long distance relationships and they both left without notice or in Filipino, iniwan ka sa ere.

Common denominators, but different stories.

I never wanted to enter a relationship; I was a tomboy and didn't have plans to have a boyfriend. I also once told myself that if I will enter a relationship, that's it. Apparently, that's not how dating works for some people, including me.

It was my childhood sweetheart who first swept me off of my feet. It was almost a love story as told by Taylor Swift, "We were both young when I first saw you..." It was almost perfect; young love hoping that you'll end up together soon. However, in the end, Romeo wasn't able to save Juliet. So he took off.

I never understood why he left, but over the years I was able to discover that it wasn't him who caused my heartbreak. It was the pressure from the distance and the people around us.

Luckily, we both valued each other and ended up being good friends. Like in Gwen Steffani's song, I know we're cool.

I wasn't very lucky with the dating game after that. Then here came a guy who again swept me off, twice as hard as the first one. And just when I thought that he was the one, history repeated itself and he gave me the same heartbreak. Just like how I fell in love, the heartbreak he gave was also twice as hard as the first one.

When we started dating, he already told me that he might migrate to Vegas. I was probably holding on to the probability that he might not migrate. However, one year in our relationship, he migrated together with his family. We had our fair share of drama all throughout our relationship, but we remained inseparable.

We had this chemistry that I thought will help us get through. We had promises made that were apparently made to be broken. And the reason why this heartbreak was twice as hard is because we were supposed to have Peyton (our baby angel), but he took off.

Up to this day, I don't understand why he left and I think I will never understand why. For quite some time, I tried searching for answers because you believed in the person you fell in love with. But I eventually grew tired of waiting for answers that I will never have.

I don't believe that leaving someone so they can find their happiness is a valid reason to take off. And I don't believe that you should be thankful that they left so that you will find your own happiness. That's just a quick way to get out; that's just plain bullshit.

One day, I was going through some of my stuff and I found a notebook that was filled with letters to him. I did consider him as my living diary and since we were in a long distance relationship, I had this to serve as my diary and the plan was to give it to him when we see each other again.

As I was reading through it, I realized how hard my feelings for him were. It was all sad where it all ended, but it was surprisingly uplifting to know that, at the end of the day, you're strong. I didn't throw it out (yet) because that's where I took my inspiration to write this now. Sometimes, you have to look into the past to see how far you have grown from the heartbreak. You can never change the past, but you can always write another chapter.

Ang sad nu? But if you know me well, you'll know that regardless how painful reading those unsent letters were, I couldn't help but to laugh at it now. I also learned that the most effective way to move on is to experience pain. Cry as long as you want to, overthink as long as you want to, but you have to give a space to hope that you will be fine. And right now, I'm fine as wine. Except for the fact that I really need to pee.

In the process of moving on, don't expect that everyone you know will be there for you. There will be close people who might talk against you, and there will be strangers who will unexpectedly walk with you. The heartbreak doesn't end in breaking up with your ex; you'll also learn who your real friends are.

It's funny how the people you expect to be comforting you and understanding you are turning their tables against you. And even though there are still a few, you still have to know how to rely on yourself, your own strength to move on. Because at the end of the day, it's your own heartbreak to face.

Fast forward to this day, I may have taken the rough path, but it was all worth it. I have also realized that being in love is not just a feeling, but also a choice. Being in love is not all about roses and chocolates, but it is being treated the way you deserve. Being in love is not just showing off pictures on social media, but it is how you find the perfection in every flaw.

Don't settle for something easy and fun; the true beauty of falling in love is hard and tough but you have to find someone who stays and is not afraid of commitments. If a heartbreak is similar to a broken glass, a heartbreak can never be mended. You can never be the shiniest glass again but the perfect one for you will make you feel whole even if you are shattered into pieces. Trust me, I know.

In 15 months, I am going to marry the guy who made me feel whole again. The guy who knows how to treat me right. And the guy who sees my every flaw but still sees the beauty in it.

Break-ups are a nasty piece of art. It's nasty but it's still art. You have to BREAK in order for you to get UP and see that you deserve so much more than a toxic relationship.

Now that I'm near a restroom, I will end this by saying a line similar to the movie, Starting Over Again - you can never unlove someone who broke you because in some way, they made you feel special and you felt happiness. It's just that you love them in a different way now.

1 comment

  1. I saw you through everything and though you fell on your knees a lot of times, I always knew you'd stand up again. I'm so glad Vincent helped you put the pieces back together. "You're not broken, just bent." Love you always!