© Vincent Rapada

Because I haven't posted anything that concerns feelings for quite awhile, I suddenly had the urge to write something personal. I was going through my old posts where I always blurt what was on my mind. Then I realized, I stopped writing random thoughts just last year.

What was with last year that stopped me from writing? I was dumped. Again. For the nth time. By the same person.

A week after I got discharged from the hospital (with a reason that I don't want to disclose), I was expecting we'll be stronger but I was wrong. He left without any explanation and, boy, that hurt a lot even if it was not the first time he did it. I remembered crying for the longest time.

I found myself reading a lot from Thought Catalog and Elite Daily about broken relationships, how to move on from a long term relationship, long distance relationships and anything that concerns a broken heart. I was turning bipolar; I was mad, sad, frustrated, annoyed and depressed all at the same time.

And over time, I tried to do what I do best when I'm sad - write my feelings out. But there was nothing. It's like I was lost for words; it's like I suddenly grew tired of writing my feelings for that same person. 

It's like I have no feelings for that same person anymore.  

Recently, I decided to clean up my blog to start a fresh one. Cleaning up means I needed to go back to my old posts to visit some memories and decide whether I want them to stay or not. And while reading these previous entries, I realized how much I'm fond of this person. How much feelings I put into this person. How much time I spent for this person. How much sweet words I used for this person. 

And after all the posts I've re-read and deleted, I came to realize that he was the one who dumped himself. He was not ready, he was too scared, he didn't want any commitments, so he dumped himself and ran away. 

I think I was trying too hard to make him into a person that I believed in but he's not ready and he's not going to be it with me. 

Now, I think he's living a happy life and I do too without doubt and that's good news. 

Finally, I'm writing again and that's because I found a reason to. I found my reason to write a year ago but it was not until now that I had the guts to write again. I had to walk baby steps to be able to write fully again and it feels good to get back up.

I may not be the same writer as I was before but I know that I'm grateful. I may use magical words less than before but I know I'm contented. And that is what's more important right now.

It's funny that, sometimes, you think about your past but I find it okay. I might get curious sometimes but not because I wanted them back, it's because they're the reason for who I am now - grateful and contented.